Romance
Okay so this chapter makes the worried about authorization thing make sense, but I think I was just winging it here. I think it can be done better. And why are we always in Ben’s apartment? Claustrophobia city.
Angry Ben
Salvageable. Julia & Ben.
Ben lets Julia go to the NYPL, tells her all about it, and is then mad that she goes? Needs to be a sneaky sneak in the future.
Why is it so difficult to tell her? Surely there was a reason, but seriously, it seems like he should have told her ages ago now. Ben got told right away, so what’s keeping him?
Keep:
“I’d tell you,” she whispered guiltily, knowing her words were a spark in a gas filled room.” — Lol, you wouldn’t though.
Sorry Ben
Salvageable. Julia, Ben, & Keith.
“I know what I’m doing” — But does he? Seriously though.
Why does it matter if she doesn’t understand? I DO NOT GET IT. WHAT IS GOING ON.
WHY DOES JULIA FEEL LIKE A SLUT FOR KISSING A GUY, OMG. I CUT ALL THE SEX OUT IN THIS VERSION, WTF. I GET THAT WE HAVE TO MAKE THE LYDIA CONNECTION, BUT COME THE FUCK ON.
If she’s going to just say “Kaylie” as a whole paragraph, then it needs to be italicized because it’s launching a flashback.
Flashback: Kaylie
Flashback. Julia.
Stop saying Kaylie’s name so much. Gawd.
Power Stripped Ben
Salvageable. Julia, Ben, & Keith.
I have “Cringe concept!” written really big at the top. Not sure exactly what I’m referring to.
When Keith enters, the scene is confusing af.
Finally, we get why Ben is so reluctant to just tell Julia. “It’s not gonna be on me if you tell her something they don’t authorize.” That makes sense. But why? What’s so weird about Julia? WHAT do they think is going on with her?
Keep:
“They’re just…extra strict on me, Jule. They want me as distraction free as possible.”