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“My Amelia, I’ve missed you terribly. Tonight is worth, to me, any consequences that may come of it.” -- Espionage
For all of Miriam’s beauty and natural poise, her severity was unmatched. -- Glow
PEOPLE VS. OUR CREATOR "We create our gods, not the other way around." -- Clockwork Horrorshow's Unjust -Injustice for All-
"You're dead, Julia." -- Quarantine
“I almost forgot which one you were, girr.” -- The Mannequin Diaries
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 Chapter Five (Breakdown)

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Clockwork Horrorshow
Clockwork Horrorshow

Female Age : 26
Posts : 258
Location : Magnolia, Arkansas

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PostSubject: Chapter Five (Breakdown)   Chapter Five (Breakdown) I_icon_minitimeWed Dec 21, 2016 11:32 pm

tl;dr: Ben and Julia have moved past the awkward balcony night. Ben seemingly blows Julia off for some friends. Julia gets "cabin fever" and leaves the motel room against Ben's wishes and better judgement. Bums a smoke from a creepy janitor. Gets lost in the city after dark. Happens upon Ben's apartment. He's irritated, but agrees to make her macaroni.

“Benny,” Julia whispered. “Go work. I won’t go anywhere. I want a rain check on that dinner though.” ----I feel it's too soon for the nickname. Idk why, maybe because they just fought. You may need to bridge that gap between tension of the almost suicide and this phone call.

When Julia pressed the power button, an almost silent buzzing filled the air. The TV was staticy at first, but then turned to a muted color. “You can adjust color on this thing?” Julia marveled, remembering a time when she was small, watching her father turn dials on their large television set as he tried to turn Marge’s hair from green back to blue on The Simpsons. ----Keep. Keep. Keep. And the SB bit after.

----I'm so torn. I can't decide if you should keep all the band references. They mean so much to me, and are a huge part of our HS life, and a heavy contribution to the fruition of all our stories. However, in attempt to look at this from a different perspective, I can see how it's like cramming the musical influences down their throat again and again. I don't want you to X them. Maybe more alluding and less outright naming them. It saddens me deeply to say that. The bit with the MARS notebook strikes a cord in me, but I know it is virtually meaningless to the reader. What's inside the notebook is a different animal. Keep that. And keep the band references, but I'm thinking if we're getting serious with this book, we have to cut them down. Sadface. It hurt so much to say that. The part about the Unknown is pretty hilar though. Maybe just say something about music fanfiction to precede the part where she tells about this story. OR MAYBE DON'T X ANY BAND STUFF!!!!11!!! Idk, I'm bipolar to this situation.

Julia started to close the notebook, but instead flipped back to the front cover. Kaylie had written in the cover with permanent black Sharpie. ‘This notebook belongs to Julia Barclay, the best writer in the entire world. No, you cannot be in our movies. No, you cannot read her stories. Close this notebook. Now. Or we will find you.’ ---Never throw this part out. Keep forever. Smile

“Unless you’re offering to be my escort,” Julia joked, trying not to panic at the man’s sudden intensity. ---This is perfect. Keep.

“It’s not a good idea for a young girl to walk alone,” he informed her, like it wasn’t something she already knew.  ---Okay, this might sound strange, but I think you should say, "like it WAS something she already knew." or something to that effect. As, he seems more like the scolding, sarcastic type.

“Thanks,” Julia started walking, eager to get away from the man and into a crowd. “And thanks for the smoke.” She barely noted his grunt as she felt her feet rushing underneath her, almost running. Easy, Julia told herself. He helped. He isn’t following you. Calm down. Julia inhaled slowly, then coughed, remembering she was holding a lit cigarette between her fingers that was still emitting smoke. Julia dropped the Marlboro Red onto the ground, scraping her heel across it as she continued walking.  ---Keep. Keep. Keep. Keep.

{ “Are you hungry?” his voice vibrating against her ear. “I can make you something.”

“I’d like ‘something’,” she joked, looking up at him.

His eyes brightened at her smile, and he once again felt like he did when he saw her wearing his favorite jacket. “How does macaroni sound?” }
 ----Never, I mean never, X this part out.

----I think it's fitting that Julia greets Ben's disdain with a light-heart at the end. She could have been in some serious shit, but she wound up at Ben's. She SHOULD be happy about that. Definitley keep the janitor part. I think this is actually a nice way for her to wind up at his place. I don't think it's too far fetched for that to have happened. It wouldn't be at all illogical for Ben to have put her up somewhere close to his place. I totally forgot why Ben blew her off in this chapter. I'm sure it was for good reason.


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Scottie Elisabeth
Scottie Elisabeth

Female Age : 26
Posts : 531
Location : Arkansas

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PostSubject: Re: Chapter Five (Breakdown)   Chapter Five (Breakdown) I_icon_minitimeThu Dec 22, 2016 8:28 am

Ben's Place

All one fluid chapter, without scene breaks. Hotel part can all be cut, because the cabin fever excuse won’t let her find Ben. So skip to “Ben’s Apartment,” because that’s where the salvaging should commence. Dumb of her to leave her phone, but then, what’s the phone situation anyway? Idk. Big notes on this chapter beginning: NOT REALISTIC.

Ben's Apartment
Salvageable. Julia & Ben.

This can be rewritten and salvaged, I think, but 100% he would not spot her. So that’s bs. I need to figure out another way for her to get there. Macaroni, though. Ang’s essential sum up of Quarantine.


“Ben sighed, unwilling to hang up the phone. “Have a good day, okay?”
“Bye, Ben.”
“And won’t open the door for strangers. Or walk around the motel alone.”
“Goodbye, Ben.”
“Be safe, Julie,” he pleaded.
“Ben. Goodbye.”

“There was a tip of a black tattoo peaking out at his wrist from underneath his long sleeved shirt. There was a large scar on the man’s neck that almost looked like a tracheotomy gone wrong. How I the world did he survive that, she wondered. And why would you still smoke?”
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Chapter Five (Breakdown)
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