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“My Amelia, I’ve missed you terribly. Tonight is worth, to me, any consequences that may come of it.” -- Espionage
For all of Miriam’s beauty and natural poise, her severity was unmatched. -- Glow
PEOPLE VS. OUR CREATOR "We create our gods, not the other way around." -- Clockwork Horrorshow's Unjust -Injustice for All-
"You're dead, Julia." -- Quarantine
“I almost forgot which one you were, girr.” -- The Mannequin Diaries
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 Chapter Three (Breakdown)

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Clockwork Horrorshow
Clockwork Horrorshow

Female Age : 26
Posts : 258
Location : Magnolia, Arkansas

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PostSubject: Chapter Three (Breakdown)   Chapter Three (Breakdown) I_icon_minitimeWed Dec 21, 2016 9:24 pm

tl;dr: Julia and Ben spend the night together. No sex. Jacket exchanging. Ben leaves. Romance blossoming. Hinder: Room 21. Wet dream. Fooding. Bonding over music and the Battle of Thermopylae.

As Ben took in shallow breaths of air, his head tilted from side to side. His hair had fallen into his eyes, but Julia could still see his eyelids flutter. He was lost in dreams. Julia sat up with caution, careful not to wake him as she stood and found the bathroom. At the sound of the bathroom door closing, however, Ben’s eyes opened. Noting how unnaturally bright it was in the room, he hurried to check his phone. Panic flooded him. It was a quarter past two.   -----Keep. Keep. Keep.

----Keep the whole scene where Ben awakes and looks for his jacket. You wrote that beautifully. Also, it's cute that she has his jacket. She could have used the bed covers, but why not use his jacket? Razz

----Also, keep everything with Ben after that up until he leaves the room. The whole back and forth is perfect. It's exactly as it should be.

----The dream is hot, spicy even, but I think it needs to be Xed. I realize that leaves little time between when they depart and when they get back together at the Hard Rock. I think the dream is a logical happening, I just don't think it's worth keeping at this point. I want more of Ben and Julia getting to know one another. Coming back to this and reading after I haven't in a few years or so, I see that I'm not ready for this between them, even in dream form. It feels like it takes away from the romance they could culminate. Work me up to their passion, don't tease me with a dream Razz It also penetrates the barrier of innocence their relationship seems to have.

---Okay. Thus far, this chapter needs the most work. I realize you're in this awkward stage of Julia without Ben and Julia and Ben. The absolute-fucking-hardest part of this is establishing that relationship. This chapter is mostly irrelevant. The banter between them is cute, and I don't want you to cut it necessarily. I think the banter is needed to open the characters up to one another and the reader, but in the same breath, they need to have some meaningful conversation if they're going to conversate. This chapter feels like the one you didn't want to write, but felt you needed to. We all have those. But I suggest combining this chapter into chapter four, and cutting some of it, or just adding to it. They've grown more comfortable with one another at this point, and I think this would be a good place for Ben to attempt to pry. I believe if he started to pry a little, this fairytale-like romance between them would be disrupted and throw her back into the reality of what she's done. That would give her good reason to pull the 'Jenny' stunt in the next chapter. Things would be getting real for her again. If they aren't going to really say anything at the Hard Rock, I would suggest Xing the whole bit and combining the chapters, although I would hate to see the banter go. I love the banter.


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Scottie Elisabeth
Scottie Elisabeth

Female Age : 26
Posts : 531
Location : Arkansas

Chapter Three (Breakdown) Empty
PostSubject: Re: Chapter Three (Breakdown)   Chapter Three (Breakdown) I_icon_minitimeThu Dec 22, 2016 8:21 am

Getting to Know You

Purpose was to introduce them as inseparable. Needs to be different. Post-party, maybe? Or maybe she goes to the place she booked and the residents don’t know what she’s talking about, so she calls Ben? Or does this happen the night before? Where was she supposed to be and why wasn’t she there? She needs inconvenience to force her turn to Ben. Find a reason. Ben is not the best option, but the only option.

Hotel - Later That Day
Salvageable. Julia & Ben.

Maybe this could be translated to happen at the party? Explore that. And maybe she hasn’t prebooked the room, so that she can stay out at the party without wasting a night, or maybe she has so she can leave her stuff? I wouldn’t want all my belongings in the world on my person, but I also wouldn’t want to leave them.

Hotel - Alone/Thinking
Unnecessary. Julia.

So what’s the deal with the cell? Maybe service dies when she does? Phone is a no-go. No WhatsApp, no iMessage, or anything with read receipts or online status. Maybe she buys a burner to get off parents plan and can’t get it to call out? Has she thought about a phone or was she planning to just jack wifi? Is anything safe to use?

Cut the animal crackers box part. Stolen from FRIENDS.

This whole scene can be cut, really, as it’s just Julia reminiscing. Not necessary/can be integrated into another scene. Her apartment hunting? Does she have a laptop? What’s going on?

Hotel - Unnecessary Dream Sequence
Unnecessary. Julia & Ben.

Bating readers and intentionally tricking them. No need to save this. Cut completely.

Hotel - Unnecessary Phone Call
Unnecessary. Julia & Ben.

Forced transition. Just cut. Hinder references must go.

Hard Rock Cafe
Unnecessary. Julia & Ben.

Unnecessary. Just more hints at Ben’s age. More forced situational dialogue. Can cut.
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