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“My Amelia, I’ve missed you terribly. Tonight is worth, to me, any consequences that may come of it.” -- Espionage
For all of Miriam’s beauty and natural poise, her severity was unmatched. -- Glow
PEOPLE VS. OUR CREATOR "We create our gods, not the other way around." -- Clockwork Horrorshow's Unjust -Injustice for All-
"You're dead, Julia." -- Quarantine
“I almost forgot which one you were, girr.” -- The Mannequin Diaries
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 Chapter Four (Breakdown)

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Clockwork Horrorshow
Clockwork Horrorshow

Female Age : 26
Posts : 258
Location : Magnolia, Arkansas

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PostSubject: Chapter Four (Breakdown)   Chapter Four (Breakdown) I_icon_minitimeWed Dec 21, 2016 10:39 pm

tl;dr: After their outing, Ben leaves Julia alone in the motel room. Julia recollects her past, and decides maybe it's better to end it now. Ben saves her from jumping from the balcony, only for her to treat him coldly (pun intended) after a hasty kiss. Ben leaves at her request. Julia sleeps alone.

By the time the girl closed the door, she was almost in tears. “You’re insane!” she screamed, almost at the top of her lungs. She turned from the door, her gaze falling to the floor. “You’re insane…” ----Keep. Keep. Keep.

{ Why? she wondered silently. If this was high school, and a cute guy moved to town… If he was interested in you, and you went out twice, then it’s only fair that—

“No.” Julia told herself firmly. “This isn’t high school. This isn’t Lauderdale. This isn’t okay.” The girl paused as a tear slipped from her eye. It wasn’t a tear for Ben.

----This bit sounds more like you're trying to convince yourself as the author and less of the audience. I know, because I do it too Razz Fuck, do I do this, except I do it for paragraphs. I try to make sense out of it as if I'm the character, but it's less convincing than if we would have never tried to convince anyone. I suggest Xing the first paragraph and possibly keeping the second. You could keep all that dialogue with herself if maybe you eluded to it with her feeling like she was back in a high school romance or something of that nature. I think the dialogue she has with herself is needed, just not the inner dialogue that sets it up.

----From the dream to her deciding to attempt suicide needs more fleshing. The dream/memory bit is fine. Short and simple, only alluding to the dark past. But after she wakes, it's too much of a rush to her decision. I realize it's hard to harp on her emotions in third person without sounding like you're *cough* harping, but it's too quick. Julia needs to process what's happened, where she's at, and what brought her there. Rather, the reader needs her to do that.

Common sense once again returned to Julia as she wiped the frozen tears from her cheeks, sitting down in the patio chair she had previously used. “You… you’re back…” ----- Keep. This is a beautiful culmination of the events.

{ “I don’t…” she trailed off into nothingness, staring at the reflection of her eyes in Ben’s.

“Julie,” he began, flicking his eyes to the curtains, but not interrupting her stare. “You can’t do things like that. You can’t.” Ben was at a loss as he pressed his lips to the backs of Julia’s fingers. “I might not always be here to save you,” he whispered against them. }

----Keep. Keep. Keep. Keep.

She reached up to click off the light as her head hit the pillow and fresh tears formed in her eyes. “Nobody wants to be alone.” ---- I think this dialogue would work best as inner dialogue.

-----Julia and Ben's interaction is always seamless. I think the curtness of their interaction as well as of this chapter after she attempts to jump is fitting. I wouldn't suggest taking away much of this chapter, just adding to the beginning before she actually goes to the balcony. Their back and forth is perfect though. It's exactly what I expected, with the precise amount of tension. Everything has perfect rhyme and reason in this chapter after she decides to jump.


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Scottie Elisabeth
Scottie Elisabeth

Female Age : 26
Posts : 531
Location : Arkansas

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PostSubject: Re: Chapter Four (Breakdown)   Chapter Four (Breakdown) I_icon_minitimeThu Dec 22, 2016 8:25 am

Let Me Be the One to Save You

Okay, so this chapter is salvagable, but I think it needs to be handled way differently. Cut the flashbacks maybe and just focus on the overwhelmingness. Perhaps she was happy and carefree up to now and she’s just realizing—oh fuck, this is permanent. That would be a lot for anyone to take. Also, this is just the first 20 pages of the book. Calm the fuck down. I’ve had like 50 scenes.

Goodbyes are Hard
Unnecessary. Julia & Ben.

They’ve been out twice now, and yet still I’m writing a forced transition. Unnecessary. Just get in that they’re falling for one another. Julia’s still not paying for shit because she’s a ho. She’s homesick, she wants the D, and she’s about to transition into a flashback.

Flashback: Camp
Unnecessary. Julia.

Am I doing flashbacks? They seem sort of forced and weird. Maybe not. Sort of feels shock-factory, which I don’t need.

Salvageable. Julia & Ben.

This is the scene where she’s like “fuck it” and goes to jump off her balcony. Seems a bit rushed to come in Chapter 4, but sort of needs to happen before she finds out she’s dead. Necessary scene, I think, but maybe not? Consult with Ang. It is a Forrest Gump rip, after all. Scene is decently written though and can be salvaged.

Ooh, is this their first kiss then? How dramatic of me. Wouldn’t her reddish-blue toes be white, with how cold it is? What’s more extreme of a color for extremities in the cold? Then she goes all drama llama and throws out the guy who saved her life. Ughhh, Julia. No wonder no one likes you. Also, Ben, this psycho just tried to kill herself and you’re going to let her be alone again? Nooooooooooo. And Julia is such a bipolar whine.

Can be salvaged, but holy fuck, I hate Julia.


“…she trailed off into nothingness, staring at the reflection of her eyes in Ben’s.”

“It infuriated her that in her homesickness, in her overwhelming panic, he dared to demand anything from her.”
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