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 Chapter Eleven (Breakdown)

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Clockwork Horrorshow
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Female Age : 24
Posts : 256
Location : Magnolia, Arkansas

PostSubject: Chapter Eleven (Breakdown)   Fri Dec 23, 2016 5:30 am

tl;dr: Ben becomes angry with Julia for laughing at his explanation. Kiss. Keith interrupts. Arguing. Keith leaves. Menacing phone call. Keith comes back. Arm mystery. Keith and Ben agree to tell Julia everything.

Ben opened the fridge, not because he was hungry, but to give him a ‘wall’ to hide behind. ----Beautiful. Keep. Keep. Keep.

“Fair?” Ben closed the fridge forcefully, turning to face her. “You went out by yourself. You snooped through my stuff. You looked me up because you didn’t trust me. We’re playing fair now?” ----If the events play out similar to 2.0, keep this. It's real as shit.

----Okay, a few notes before I go past the scene break. I think Ben's angry reaction is unwarranted, as he was just calm in the chapter before. Also, when Julia says that she'd tell him, I don't believe her at all. I mean, she hasn't told him anything thus far. He was just straight up with her, and she has the audacity to say that. It makes me angry at her, which I don't know if is good or bad. X if you don't want the reader to feel this way. Don't X if you're intention was to make me want to punch her.

----Just read Julia confessing she wouldn't tell him. Hmmm. Not sure if you should disregard what I said up there or not.

“Shut up,” the new man snapped, his eyes piercing that of his best friend. “Not in front of her.” His eyes cut to Julia, and she felt what she never imagined she would...like a slut. ----She was just kissing him. I understand why she says she feels like a slut, because of the earlier phone convo she overheard earlier, but I don't think she would logically feel this way. I don't think she sees their relationship in this light. Not even when a stranger looks at it.

“Why?” Julia tilted her head to rest it against Ben’s side. “Am I so awful?”---Don't say this, Julia. Don't be a baby.

“Shut up,” the stranger snapped to his friend. “Shut up, Ben. Don’t give her false security. She’s entitled. That’s what you keep saying, isn’t it? She’s entitled to know? Well, tell her, Ben. I don’t have all day.” ----Keep. Keep. Keep.

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Scottie Elisabeth
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PostSubject: Re: Chapter Eleven (Breakdown)   Sat Dec 24, 2016 5:42 pm

Romance

Okay so this chapter makes the worried about authorization thing make sense, but I think I was just winging it here. I think it can be done better. And why are we always in Ben’s apartment? Claustrophobia city.

Angry Ben
Salvageable. Julia & Ben.

Ben lets Julia go to the NYPL, tells her all about it, and is then mad that she goes? Needs to be a sneaky sneak in the future.

Why is it so difficult to tell her? Surely there was a reason, but seriously, it seems like he should have told her ages ago now. Ben got told right away, so what’s keeping him?

Keep:

“I’d tell you,” she whispered guiltily, knowing her words were a spark in a gas filled room.” — Lol, you wouldn’t though.

Sorry Ben
Salvageable. Julia, Ben, & Keith.


“I know what I’m doing” — But does he? Seriously though.

Why does it matter if she doesn’t understand? I DO NOT GET IT. WHAT IS GOING ON.

WHY DOES JULIA FEEL LIKE A SLUT FOR KISSING A GUY, OMG. I CUT ALL THE SEX OUT IN THIS VERSION, WTF. I GET THAT WE HAVE TO MAKE THE LYDIA CONNECTION, BUT COME THE FUCK ON.

If she’s going to just say “Kaylie” as a whole paragraph, then it needs to be italicized because it’s launching a flashback.

Flashback: Kaylie
Flashback. Julia.

Stop saying Kaylie’s name so much. Gawd.

Power Stripped Ben
Salvageable. Julia, Ben, & Keith.

I have “Cringe concept!” written really big at the top. Not sure exactly what I’m referring to.

When Keith enters, the scene is confusing af.

Finally, we get why Ben is so reluctant to just tell Julia. “It’s not gonna be on me if you tell her something they don’t authorize.” That makes sense. But why? What’s so weird about Julia? WHAT do they think is going on with her?

Keep:

“They’re just…extra strict on me, Jule. They want me as distraction free as possible.”
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