Twenty

“Lily?” I whispered into the receiver before she had a chance to say hello. “I know I don’t deserve this, at all, but can you come over?”

She sighed but responded with a friendly, “sure, asshole,” before the call disconnected. I exhaled, relieved as I returned my eyes to Sophie where she sat next to me on the couch.

“She’s coming,” I shared and Soph smiled.

“She’ll know what to do,” Sophie promised, her eyes loving as she hugged me.

I was so pleased to have her for counsel at a time like this. I needed Sophie like I’d never needed anyone else and the thought of her being put in the ground was almost worse than the empty house. I pulled away from the hug and immediately, Sophie tensed as she anticipated my question.

“Why’d you have to die?”

Sophie frowned. Her eyes began to water as she reached to pinch my cheek before eventually just cupping my cheek in her palm. “You know why.”

As I leaned back against the garish couch, the weight of the world rested heavily on my chest. The couch changed color even as I sat on it, and in a blink, the coffee table and food were gone. Only sweet Sophie remained, as the smells and sounds and vibrancy of her presence faded and all that was left was her, in her orange sweater dress, eyes discouraged as they analyzed me.

Sophie hugged me once more, the smells of her gone now, and she no longer felt warm. Instead, she felt like a memory, and even as I begged her not to, she disappeared in my arms. My chest constricted with heavy sobs. I had never wanted to imagine a life without her and yet here it was. She was gone.


“It feels gross in here,” was Lily’s greeting the moment she entered Sophie’s home. “Did she die here?” she asked as she sniffed the air and it again was confusing seeing my old friend so genuinely beautiful and well-kempt.

“I wish you’d quit wearing that shit.” I rolled my eyes, finally composed, grateful for the casual distraction that was Lily.

She lifted her middle finger toward me as she looked around the room. She was distracted and it was obvious but I wasn’t sure why. Sophie hadn’t decayed; there shouldn’t be much of a scent of her at all.

“Weird question,” she began as she followed her nose toward the hall. “Are you friendly with those asshole imps?” As she heard her own question, she froze. Her eyes were suddenly serious as they looked to me, boring into me as she her breaths quickened. “Are you setting me up?”

“Oh fuck off,” I chided, as if I would ever do such a thing. “You know I’m not friendly with anyone.”

Despite the uncertainty clear on her face, the corners of Lily’s mouth turned up into a smile. Her breathing settled but still, her nose was drawn toward the hall. “Really, though, have they been here?”

“No, why?”

I stayed close to her then as she strode down the hall, stopping at Sophie’s door. “Because they have.”

Imps? Were those Charlotte’s ‘boys?’ “Where?”

My heart pounded as my friend eyed Sophie’s door. She opened the door slowly, immediately turning to point in the direction of my safe. “There.”

Her lips, despite being human, turned up in a snarl as she glared at the dresser. She was tense, ready, eyes uncertain.

“Someone robbed me,” I told her as I entered the room with her, pointing toward the dresser. “My safe is just there.”

“Imps,” she growled, certain. “Is that was that receptionist was on about? You being in trouble?”

I nodded but couldn’t look at Lily. My attention was focused on Sophie’s bed, while my mind realized the question I couldn’t suppress. “Can you tell where else they were?” I asked hesitantly, both needing and not wanting the answer.

Lily seemed confused by my request at first but eventually assessed the room, always seemingly drawn toward the dresser. “There, like I said.”

I swallowed. It wasn’t enough. I needed to be sure. “What about by the bed?” The lump in my throat was ever present as she eyed me, taking careful strides to the side of the bed farthest from the two of us. She sniffed the air all around, but in the end, shook her head. “Mostly Sophie and clinical smells.”

“Nurses,” I offered and a quick upward nod from Lily dismissed the addition.

“But no imps.”

My heart sank. I should have been relieved, and I was, but also I wasn’t, and I didn’t understand why I still felt so heavy. I was grateful Charlotte had been honest; perhaps I could rely more on her information than I had thought. Further still, I was grateful the dread of a faceless figure stifling my Sophie was unfounded.

She was old. She was sick. It was natural.

Still, though, I felt empty. I wasn’t fulfilled with the information as I had expected to be. It hadn’t brought her back. My heart pounded in my chest where I stood and I had to lean against the wall to keep upright.

“You alright, asshole?” Lily asked me cautiously from across the room, her eyes concerned.

I allowed myself to slide down Sophie’s bedroom wall as I stared at her bed, at the spot where she should be, and even as my friend watched me, my overwhelming sobs returned.

“Oh, come on, dude…” Lily complained softly and I saw her raise her hand to her neck as she looked away from me. “Don’t do this now.”

But I couldn’t help it. I was lost in the void that was Sophie’s absence. Neither my embarrassment nor Lily’s discomfort could keep my emotions at bay now. Sophie hadn’t been taken from me, I had lost her, and for some reason, that made it even more my fault.

Eventually I felt my friend’s hand distantly pat my shin as she knelt next to me. I couldn’t see her, I couldn’t see anything, and her presence did little to compensate for the loss of my magnificent Sophie. Nothing could.

My mind raced through our time together, shown to me now as quick flashes of film projected in my mind. Every several dozen flashes, one would hesitate and play out further. When she brought home that pack of stray dogs. When she joined Mary Kay. When she decided to stop drinking and start dieting, which lasted the whole of the afternoon before we found ourselves shitfaced and devouring nachos at the first pub we came across. Our trip to Europe. The camel at the zoo. Theme parks. Bars, lots of bars. Holidays and records and Sophie’s magical laugh when she would annihilate me at gin rummy.

But never again. She was gone now. No more than a figment of my grief-ridden imagination. Everything was different now. My sun could no longer rise. She had set for the final time.


The night was long and draining without sweet Sophie’s company, but Lily stayed, uncomfortably present as I lost myself into the depths of Sophie’s absence. Still, as the imposturous sun rose, Lily convinced me to shower, and without realizing she had taken charge, I found myself on the cold walk to Sophie’s final resting place.

Lily stayed with me, dressed as I’d never known her to be, her new wardrobe as feminine as her new appearance. It wasn’t until the silence became deafening between us that I remembered my true reason for seeking my friend’s company. The morning air was brisk, refreshing, and I again found myself focused, recomposed, at least for now.

“Stewart,” I insisted first, immediately cluing Lily in to our topic. “When do you see him again?”

“Why?” she demanded first, the question so out of the blue to her, but when it dawned on her, she answered. “Not for a few weeks. I don’t see that asshole any more than I have to.” Seemingly grateful that my mood had lifted, she shoved her shoulder into mine. “Sort of like you.”

“I really hate that you look like that,” I told her again as my eyes tried to adjust to her appearance, offensive to me in how normal it was.

“Good think I’m not looking to blow you then, huh?” Lily shoved her hands in her coat pockets as she rolled her eyes. “Do I really have to come to this thing?”

My brow furrowed but I didn’t turn to look at her. Instead, I kept walking alongside her, my hands too in my pockets. “No.” In fact, I hadn’t invited her. She had taken it upon herself to accompany me, too stubborn to leave me alone to wallow in my own self-pity. As much as she might like to deny it, Lily was concerned, and here of her own free will.

“Oh fuck off, you know I do,” she snapped then, as if I was trying to talk her out of it. I was so grateful to be in Lily’s company. There were no implications between us, no understandings, no obligations. She just was and I was too, and together we existed in a bastardized tandem with one another.

“I’m sorry I disappeared,” I mumbled as we rounded another of the many corners between where we were and our destination.

“Are you fucking kidding me? Again? Christ, asshole, get a fucking grip. Don’t get all sentimental on me because Sophie’s dead.”

“I mean it,” I insisted then and neither of us spoke. There wasn’t any more to say. I was sorry. As much as Lily seemed to be against discussing it, the apology did seem to make her step quicker, maybe eager to escape me and my flood of emotions, maybe with a bit of weight lifted from her shoulders.

“Do you really think this Leviathan thing has any merit? I mean, Stewart’s a fucking pill. I can’t imagine him masterminding something like this.”

“Do you think the lycanthropes killed the archdemon?” I asked her, as if my question were the answer to hers, and as she swallowed, it was clear she understood.

“I don’t know anything about that,” she insisted again. It was clear my world was still so foreign to her. “Fuck, asshole, can’t you just stay out of it? Trouble always fucking follows you.”

“You’re telling me,” I complained, trying to make light of the situation, as if it were one of many. “Could you put me in touch with him, though?”

“You really shouldn’t,” she cautioned me as she moved her hand to the back of her neck, brushing against where her bristling hairs would be if her camouflage weren’t so effective. “He’s a skeev, dude. I don’t trust him or that bitch Jinn. They act like they’re there for us, but it doesn’t seem like they do anything but stir up shit.”

“You know Jinn?” I thought to ask then, the mysterious shapeshifter still in my mind.

Lily rolled her eyes as she puffed her cheeks with a bitter breath of air. “Trust me, I wish I didn’t.”

I lit a cigarette as Lily contemplated what she felt like sharing.

“Thanks,” she mumbled as she plucked the stick from my lips before I even had time to take a drag.

Though I narrowed my eyes at her, I didn’t object, and instead lit another as Lily closed her eyes with her first inhale. “Holy fuck, I miss smoking,” she complained. “But your brand is the worst.”

“Good thing I didn’t offer you one then, huh?” I rolled my eyes when again her response was the upturn of her finger, without bothering to turn to look at me.

“So Jinn the Bitch, where do I even fucking begin.” Lily took another drag. “I met her maybe fivish years ago? She showed up at my place in the middle of the fucking afternoon like people don’t sleep,” she complained, and I tried to place where we were five years ago. “She had some fucking flyer talking about garbage ‘injustices’ to ‘my kind,’ like I’m not capable of understanding my own race.” She flicked the ash from her cigarette without missing a beat. “But when we got together to try to do something about it, she was all hung up on fucking demon representation. Like what? Why would we need demon representation when we aren’t demons?”

“That’s what I said,” I sighed, grateful that Lily understood.

“But that’s what she wanted to do, make a big fucking stink with the demons, like they’re the problem, when really it’s dicks like Henry and the imp fucks that extort the shit out of us. All we want to do is exist like everyone else. We have to have camouflage, so why hike it? Other precincts don’t seem to have this problem. It’s specifically ours, with fuck off Henry and that asshole Stewart, like Stewart’s fucking goal has always been to file us through Henry’s offices, so they get our money and our fucking life. It’s bullshit.”

“Well, Henry’s dead, so,” I exhaled my breath of smoke, eyeing it as it dissipated into the cold morning air. “That’s over.”

Lily sighed but didn’t seem surprised. “Good riddance.” She dropped the cigarette, despite all that was left, and stomped it with the toe of her boot. “Are you going to finish the collections?”

“The debts were to Henry, not to me,” I relayed, as if I hadn’t just made the decision yesterday. “But if Stewart really was the brains behind all that, fuck knows what he has planned now.”

“I dread to think.” Lily crossed her arms as we continued turn after turn. Finally, chills ran down my spine and I realized we were there, though the cemetery didn’t look ready for a funeral. It was nearly vacant, with a small tent over a distant hole in the ground because it looked like rain. A casket was perched next to the site, unattended.

As we approached, I noticed someone sitting in the small row of chairs. She rose as we neared.

My heart thudded as I tried not to rush to her, to seek her comfort, but when she looked to us, I lost my breath. Her eyes were polite, but her customer service eyes, not the loving, tender eyes I had longed into as she straddled me.

“Lily,” she said first as she placed a gentle hand on my friend’s arm. “I’m sorry.”

Lily looked uncomfortable but nodded and Miriam didn’t linger. She moved to face me then, her eyes softening as she reached up to hug me, her arms firm around my neck.

“Collin…I just can’t imagine. I’m so sorry.”

“Thank you,” I insisted as my arms wrapped around her and I willed our connection to reestablish. I wanted to hold her, to be held by her, to go home with her, to love her, to feel less of a void because of her, but she broke from me then and I felt it all dissipate.

“You left this,” she offered as she extended the photograph to me.

I swallowed as I accepted it. Was that why she was here? To ensure Sophie received her trinket? “Thank you,” I managed again, my knuckles white as I squeezed the frame in my hand.

“Oh, Mirry, how nice of you to come,” that familiar voice purred then and I looked over my shoulder to see her, her boots far too tall for the occasion as her hands came to rest on my back. “It’s nice that you can be such a good friend to Col, considering.”

Miriam straightened but didn’t otherwise flinch. She eyed the woman behind me with her same customer service eyes, her disdain apparent but not visible.

“You did tell her?” Charlotte looked to me then, antagonistic as ever, and her hand trailed down my back.

I was stuck. What could I say? If I denied Charlotte, she might hinder my meeting Stewart. If I didn’t, Miriam might not understand. I swallowed, my stomach mid-acrobatics as it occurred to me, even now, how hungry I was. Nothing a full belly can’t fix, but Sophie wasn’t here to fill it, and now I was trapped between the only four women who ever meant anything to me.

Lily wasn’t silenced by Charlotte’s presence, though, and instead was eyeing her carefully. Her tone was neutral but her words were as brash as Lily ever was. “Who the fuck are you?”

Charlotte’s attention snapped to Lily. Her expression faltered but only momentarily before slinking her arms around my waist, taking her place beside me. “I’m his wife,” she growled, as if Lily posed a threat, and it wasn’t until Lily burst into laughter that the tension broke.

“This asshole?” Lily asked incredulously, and I was so grateful for her interruption. I couldn’t deal with Miriam and Charlotte now, not here, not with Sophie present. She deserved more than this. “You’re fucking kidding. He could never have a wife.”

Charlotte seemed bristled by this, but Miriam smirked as she broke from the interaction, returning instead to her seat in the row of white metal chairs. I wished I could follow, to too sit and just wait for this all to be over, but instead I stood, a hand on Charlotte to keep her from lashing out at Lily.

“Mind your fucking place, dog,” Charlotte snapped then, her words quiet but sharp as they attacked Lily. And for what?

Lily looked to me, her face confused and fallen, as she looked to process our year apart once more. I had briefed her the night before on everything but Charlotte and now I wished I had. My back straightened with the tension and I realized Lily was waiting for me to speak, though I had little to say.

“You should go,” I whispered, eyes on my friend as I wanted to apologize.

Her jaw locked then and I felt Charlotte melt into my side, but I immediately pulled from her.

“Really, Char. You should go.”

I heard Lily’s exhale but couldn’t look at her, instead facing the daggers from my wife’s eyes.

“You’re kidding,” she breathed as her eyes turned from furious to devastated. “I want to be here for you.”

“This is about Sophie,” I emphasized, firm.

My friend disappeared from next to me then. It was just the two of us, toe to toe as Charlotte’s eyes searched mine for any sign of compromise, but I offered none.

“Go home,” I insisted, refusing her hand when she tried to take mine.

“I’m your wife,” she pleaded then as her eyes watered. “You really need your whore for this instead? She didn’t know Sophie.”

“Go home.” I broke my stare then, turning instead to the two women sitting nearest the casket. As I moved to be near them, I willed Charlotte to go, and eventually, I heard her boots displace the dew as she withdrew from the scene, leaving just the three of us and sweet Sophie.

As I took my place between Miriam and Lily, my neck felt hot. I was embarrassed but also felt her eyes on me and it was evident that she wasn’t a problem that was going to disappear once I had finished with her. Charlotte was dangerous, never as much as when she was jealous, and I was almost grateful Sophie didn’t have the chance to be on the receiving end of Charlotte.

Eventually a priest arrived and the process went on as it should. I was able to reunite sweet Sophie with Miriam’s chosen photograph as I laid my eyes on her pale corpse one last time. The service was brief, attended by only the three of us, and once it had ended, I was reluctant to move. It didn’t feel right to leave her here alone.

When the three of us stood, Lily immediately hugged me, and though startling, I reciprocated, grateful for the rock that was my friend. She left us without a word. I turned to Miriam, eager for a similar comfort from her, but found none. Instead, her soft, sad eyes were focused on Sophie’s plot.

For an instant, I felt the need to comfort her, as if Sophie were her loss. I didn’t, though, instead eyeing the beautiful object of my affection. “Thank you for coming.”

She sighed but responded with a friendly, “sure, asshole,” before the call disconnected. I exhaled, relieved as I returned my eyes to Sophie where she sat next to me on the couch.----OMG, we start with comedy. My flav. Gawl. I love Lilly. She’s so the best.

Sophie frowned. Her eyes began to water as she reached to pinch my cheek before eventually just cupping my cheek in her palm. “You know why.”----Yeah, if we could just stop with the feels, that’d be great.

Sophie hugged me once more, the smells of her gone now, and she no longer felt warm. Instead, she felt like a memory, and even as I begged her not to, she disappeared in my arms. My chest constricted with heavy sobs. I had never wanted to imagine a life without her and yet here it was. She was gone.----DIDN’T I JUST SAY STOP WITH THE FEELS? GODDAMN! DON’T GO SOPHIE! DON’T FUCKING GO!

It feels gross in here,” was Lily’s greeting the moment she entered Sophie’s home. “Did she die here?” she asked as she sniffed the air and it again was confusing seeing my old friend so genuinely beautiful and well-kempt.

“I wish you’d quit wearing that shit.” I rolled my eyes, finally composed, grateful for the casual distraction that was Lily.

She lifted her middle finger toward me as she looked around the room. She was distracted and it was obvious but I wasn’t sure why. Sophie hadn’t decayed; there shouldn’t be much of a scent of her at all. ----I love this so much. Goddamn, I love you Lily. Thanks for easing the tension. I needed a moment. It’s so heavy in this hosue. This banter, it’s perfect.

“Oh fuck off,” I chided, as if I would ever do such a thing. “You know I’m not friendly with anyone.”----I don’t believe Col has ever said anything more honest.

----Lil’s totes knows something is up. She can smell it. She’s a goddamn Lycan. I can’t wait for her insight. Lily seemed confused by my request at first but eventually assessed the room, always seemingly drawn toward the dresser. “There, like I said.”----Omg I love how she’s showing animal traits in human form. That’s so badass. She’s so badass. I love her. She’s the best. So straightforward. A complete no-bullshiter. Love her. She’s badass. Did I say?

“Oh, come on, dude…” Lily complained softly and I saw her raise her hand to her neck as she looked away from me. “Don’t do this now.”----Absolutely love the contrast of her reaction to Col as opposed to Mir or Sophie. Her discomfort is too fitting.

Sophie hadn’t been taken from me, I had lost her, and for some reason, that made it even more my fault.----Uh yes, I totally said this a long time ago.

My mind raced through our time together, shown to me now as quick flashes of film projected in my mind. Every several dozen flashes, one would hesitate and play out further. When she brought home that pack of stray dogs. When she joined Mary Kay. When she decided to stop drinking and start dieting, which lasted the whole of the afternoon before we found ourselves shitfaced and devouring nachos at the first pub we came across. Our trip to Europe. The camel at the zoo. Theme parks. Bars, lots of bars. Holidays and records and Sophie’s magical laugh when she would annihilate me at gin rummy. -----it totes obvs you didn’t get the memo that we are off the feels now. Lily’s here. She knows. Why don’t you know. Why do you assault me with this beautifully tragic memories? Why do you continue to do this?

My sun could no longer rise. She had set for the final time.----Seriously, read the fucking memo! Goddamn. Beautiful.

“Why?” she demanded first, the question so out of the blue to her, but when it dawned on her, she answered. “Not for a few weeks. I don’t see that asshole any more than I have to.” Seemingly grateful that my mood had lifted, she shoved her shoulder into mine. “Sort of like you.”---Awww Lailen got the memo, she knows. Oh, oooooops . . . I totes meant Lilly. She’s totes not the equiv of Lailen in my head. No way.

“Oh fuck off, you know I do,” she snapped then, as if I was trying to talk her out of it. I was so grateful to be in Lily’s company. There were no implications between us, no understandings, no obligations. She just was and I was too, and together we existed in a bastardized tandem with one another.----UHmm best summary of Lil/Col ever. And bastardized tandem is the best formation of words ever. You make me smile, you and Lil, who is totes trying to be light-hearted. Love her arguing with herself.

“You’re telling me,” I complained, trying to make light of the situation, as if it were one of many. ---Bringing us back to reality with this. “one of many” gawl, speaks so much about how this situation is exactly not!

----Lily, you can call Col asshole forever and I will chuckle every time.

“Thanks,” she mumbled as she plucked the stick from my lips before I even had time to take a drag.

Though I narrowed my eyes at her, I didn’t object, and instead lit another as Lily closed her eyes with her first inhale. “Holy fuck, I miss smoking,” she complained. “But your brand is the worst.”

“Good thing I didn’t offer you one then, huh?” I rolled my eyes when again her response was the upturn of her finger, without bothering to turn to look at me.-----This is my flav part. Lil is such a bro. I love her. I love their playful interactions. Love. Flav. Flav when she takes the cig from him. Flav his response. Flav, flav, flave.

“So Jinn the Bitch, where do I even fucking begin.” Lily took another drag. “I met her maybe fivish years ago? She showed up at my place in the middle of the fucking afternoon like people don’t sleep,” she complained, and I tried to place where we were five years ago. “She had some fucking flyer talking about garbage ‘injustices’ to ‘my kind,’ like I’m not capable of understanding my own race.” She flicked the ash from her cigarette without missing a beat. “But when we got together to try to do something about it, she was all hung up on fucking demon representation. Like what? Why would we need demon representation when we aren’t demons?”----Oh dear god, Lil. I love you so much. Everything you do is nothing but platinum. She is such a nice break from the tension, though she is part of it. You write her so perfectly.

“The debts were to Henry, not to me,” I relayed, as if I hadn’t just made the decision yesterday--- You say so much indirectly about Collin with shit like this. <3

My heart thudded as I tried not to rush to her, to seek her comfort, but when she looked to us, I lost my breath. Her eyes were polite, but her customer service eyes, not the loving, tender eyes I had longed into as she straddled me.----Oh goddamn, Mir. Not the customer service eyes.

her boots far too tall for the occasion ----very nice painting of this hooker. Hate.

Lily wasn’t silenced by Charlotte’s presence, though, and instead was eyeing her carefully. Her tone was neutral but her words were as brash as Lily ever was. “Who the fuck are you?” -----Oh Lily, you always make me smile. I love you so much. You say the perfect thing at the perfect time in the most perfect way. This is just too awesome.

“Mind your fucking place, dog,” Charlotte snapped then, her words quiet but sharp as they attacked Lily. And for what?----I have to admit how clever this name-calling is. Though I hate her, this was fucking clever.

----Oh shit. He just totes told bitch to leave. That’s totes not going to come back on him later. Totes.

For an instant, I felt the need to comfort her, as if Sophie were her loss. I didn’t, though, instead eyeing the beautiful object of my affection. “Thank you for coming.”----Best. Ending Line. Ever. Omg. “Object of my affection.” Did you steal that from a song or something? That’s amazing. Nah, who am I kidding? You’re gf, you’re the master wordsmith.

----I’m so glad you didn’t draw this funeral thing out. But wow, these four women (uh, one dead) and Col. I can’t even imagine what the literal fuck he was feeling. Wow. And Mir with her customer service eyes. She’s still angry with him, but she’s such a good person that goddamnit, she had to come. Col is so lucky to have Lily and Sophie in his life. And seeing the fleshing of Lily and Col’s relationship is very nice, and very perfect at this moment. I almost want to call their relationship my flav, but it’s so hard considering Sophie and Mir. You’ve tangled these three women around him so wonderfully. Not Char. Idc if she explodes into fire. But the other three, they have such dynamic relationships with Col. Three completely different relationships that serve to awaken every part of Collin he continues to bury. I love these women. But who the fuck is Jinn? She’s like a Jehovah’s Witness or something. Way to start a war, servant of Jehovah. Way to go. Stoked to learn more about this Jinn. And love that it not Jenn.

Love, Bf
!!!!!!11!!!!!