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“My Amelia, I’ve missed you terribly. Tonight is worth, to me, any consequences that may come of it.” -- Espionage
For all of Miriam’s beauty and natural poise, her severity was unmatched. -- Glow
PEOPLE VS. OUR CREATOR "We create our gods, not the other way around." -- Clockwork Horrorshow's Unjust -Injustice for All-
"You're dead, Julia." -- Quarantine
“I almost forgot which one you were, girr.” -- The Mannequin Diaries
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 Chapter Twelve (Breakdown)

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Clockwork Horrorshow
Clockwork Horrorshow

Female Age : 26
Posts : 258
Location : Magnolia, Arkansas

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PostSubject: Chapter Twelve (Breakdown)   Chapter Twelve (Breakdown) I_icon_minitimeFri Dec 23, 2016 1:08 am

tl;dr: Julia learns Ben and Keith are apprentices to the powers. A power calls to warn of his coming. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. Ben and Julia fornicate during their hour alone. Power shows up in black robe. Strikes Ben. Serum takes power away. Takes Julia. Julia = Chosen One.

Ben averted his eyes, but strengthened his grip on her hands. “I love you, Julia. I…couldn’t do that to you. And that’s why I’m in trouble.” -----I don't think I need to say that this is much too soon. I could see him saying that he is having feelings for her, but love....well, I'm sure by the time you get here in the rewrite he would be justified in saying he was starting to fall for her. Here, it's Lifetime Razz

“You don't think I'm serious?” Ben half-smiled. “For 18 years, I've been in training for this position, to be a Power, and since I met you, I've completely disregarded orders. I'm being punished for the first time. I've threatened to withdraw from my apprenticeship to stay here in this world with you. I love you. That's all there is to it.”------Minus "I love you," this is a perfect justification for his feelings. Keep.

----The whole "I love you," now sex bit is unrealistic. I'm sure you know, and I have no doubt you'll be going back in to make this whole relationship much more mature. They need to do it, but not like this. Not a pity lay. lol. That's the best way I can describe it. "I love you, Jules, look what I did. I must love you." . . . "He must love me. It's okay to bang him. Let's bang before this important guy gets here." This is only okay to 14 yr old us.

----Don't totally hate me for forgetting why Julia is the chosen one lol. I have only one note left for this chapter. Okay, this story is very realistic at first, it is very much in tune with reality. Then we find out Ben may be dead, then that he is, then that Julia is, then a man in a menacing robe, then serum, etc. It's all to much surrealism at once. It makes the story seem more like a joke. This all needs time and "space." The reader is going to need to be familarized with these concepts slowly, that way they can be accepted as "reality," so to speak. Gradual. This all can't happen at once. It's as if the climax is happening, but it's happening for chapterssss. In the rewrite, I know you will be able to accomplish this in a much more timely fashion. Don't hate me for saying this, because it sounds rude, but it has to be said.


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Scottie Elisabeth
Scottie Elisabeth

Female Age : 26
Posts : 531
Location : Arkansas

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PostSubject: Re: Chapter Twelve (Breakdown)   Chapter Twelve (Breakdown) I_icon_minitimeSat Dec 24, 2016 11:49 am

There's Something About Julia

I LOVE this chapter’s ending, but it needs a far better buildup. I need to figure out what the point is so I can emphasize that instead of just somethinghappening somethinghappening somethinghappening like I’ve been doing.

Salvageable. Julia, Ben, & Keith.

“You love me?” — Uh, it’s been like a day. What is this nonsense.

The Power
Salvageable. Julia, Ben, Keith, & Power Montero.

So the sex scene seems out of place, but I need her pregnant for later.

“But I suppose every man has his faults” — weaknesses would be stronger here

I forgot about the fact that women aren’t allowed in the WotP.
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Chapter Twelve (Breakdown)
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