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“My Amelia, I’ve missed you terribly. Tonight is worth, to me, any consequences that may come of it.” -- Espionage
For all of Miriam’s beauty and natural poise, her severity was unmatched. -- Glow
PEOPLE VS. OUR CREATOR "We create our gods, not the other way around." -- Clockwork Horrorshow's Unjust -Injustice for All-
"You're dead, Julia." -- Quarantine
“I almost forgot which one you were, girr.” -- The Mannequin Diaries
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 Chapter Seven (Breakdown)

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Clockwork Horrorshow
Clockwork Horrorshow

Female Age : 26
Posts : 258
Location : Magnolia, Arkansas

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PostSubject: Chapter Seven (Breakdown)   Chapter Seven (Breakdown) I_icon_minitimeThu Dec 22, 2016 1:28 am

tl;dr: Three days have passed with no contact from Ben. Julia has to leave the motel, and finds herself at Ben's. Crude phone conversation. Orange Juice. Mario. News report about her disappearance that she fails to hear because of something catastrophic in Ben's yearbook.

----The reasoning for Julia to go, and take her luggage, to Ben's is perfect. Actually, it's ingenious. It leaves the reader to question if Ben really only had enough on him to pay up to that night, or if he did it purposefully. But it feels legitimate.

----The phone convo between Ben and Keith is extremely forward. Do you know what I mean? Either Keith is extremely immature, or you meant for it to be crude. I just mean, Ben and Julia's relationship has been rather innocent thus far, and this dood coming on the phone talking like a sailor defies that sanctity. The problem is him getting close to Julia, not if he's "fucking" her, really. Not even that she might be a whore. In fact, that might be better for Ben's situation. I may not remember just right, but the problem is his affection for her, as stated by this phone convo, but Keith makes is sound like "fucking" her is "loving" her. He seems to be redundantly scolding Ben.

{ And to Ben Lane’s surprise, in his doorway, was Julia Barclay.

At first, he couldn’t speak. He was stunned to see her, and even more stunned to see the luggage.

“M-my five nights were up…” she managed, trying to act like she had just opened the door.

“And you just walked in?”

“I thought you were at work. You gave me a key.”

Ben shook his head as he walked to the kitchen, but he waved her in. “I’m sorry. I didn’t have much cash on me that morning.” }

----Beautiful. Keep. Keep. Keep. Feel free to add what you will, but don't take away.

Julia was relieved that he didn’t seem angry…but annoyed that he was being so nonchalant. “You didn’t call,” she finally said aloud. -----This is so human, and just crisp. Keep.

“Sure you can,” he quickly contradicted. “Luigi.” ----KEEEEP! The whole SNES part. Keep.

-----Oh god. Oh god. I'm trying to retain composure and remain analytical, but the end of this chapter literally almost killed me. It is so perfect. You have to always end this chapter the same way. At first, I was wondering why Julia wasn't "feeling" anything during the news report. Like, why weren't you talking about her watching it. Then, I realized she wasn't watching it, but looking at the yearbook. She was lost in a trance at what she was seeing on the page. OMG. OMG.

---Okay, time to be serious. The gap in this chapter...you were right, you're a scene jumper with this story for sure. I don't mind the scene jumps, but I feel some of them cut off scenes I would like to see extended. I would like to see Ben leave, and Julia being alone in his apartment, instead of the scene jump. Because, goddamn, this girl sleeps too much. She's sleeping her whole life away ;P winkity wink wink. But yeah, I think it would be fine to go straight from Mario to him leaving, to the yearbook thing. I don't think the sleeping bit is necessary, unless you feel the absolute need to shorten the time between her finding him out to him coming home after. But I think it would be more appropriate to jump from finding out to him coming home, as, that would technically be the next chapter. But these chapters keep getting better as you were finding your footing in this story. The beginning is strong, and the end is stronger. My only real issue was with the phone convo she overhears.


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Scottie Elisabeth
Scottie Elisabeth

Female Age : 26
Posts : 531
Location : Arkansas

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PostSubject: Re: Chapter Seven (Breakdown)   Chapter Seven (Breakdown) I_icon_minitimeThu Dec 22, 2016 8:42 am

Everybody's Wrong

This part has a necessary reveal, but that’s about all that’s useful in this. Idk. Some bits can be salvaged, but I really need to sort out this CNN nonsense because I hate it. Also, Meredith drama? That was a stretch 10 years ago, it’s really a stretch now. Idk.

Enter: Keith
Salvageable. Julia, Ben, & Keith.

“He gave me a key.” — DUH omg. Why is she just now realizing this? Also, why is she going at 4? Why not now? She’s hungry!

Re: Ben & Keith: Do they know who Julia is at this point? Don’t they know she’s special? If so, why’s Keith being such a name caller? I mean, if I knew she was my supreme boss’s daughter, maybe I wouldn’t be throwing the word ‘whore’ around so much, just saying… He def wouldn’t say that about Cassandra, but do they know she’s Cassandra yet? I know at this literal part of the book being written, I didn’t even know, so maybe that’s an inconsistency.

Change Ben’s “years with us” to something more vague. “Nearly 20” rather than eighteen.

Why is Julia smiling after Ben starts getting controlling? Crazy bitch!


“Then don’t ask me what to do! You don’t!”

“You cannot, I repeat, cannot, get involved with her, Ben. It’s against every rule and regulation there is. You’re next in line, for fuck’s sake. If you throw it away, (note: add in ‘with all you know,’ or something) they’ll terminate you, Ben. You have to consider what’s at stake here.”

“I know, man, but…I don’t know…”

“Julia immediately stood, realizing she was sitting in Ben’s apartment, without permission.”

“And to Ben Lane’s surprise, in the doorway, was Julia Barclay.” — Omg I use commas too much.

Salvageable. Julia.

The speeches in this are total cringe, omg.
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Chapter Seven (Breakdown)
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